“Today! Today is a great day to have a baby!”
This is what I’ve thought nearly everyday since September 25th, the first night I had labor pains. Well, it is October 23rd and I have not yet had this baby. Honestly, I thought I would have a three week old by now. The last four weeks have seemed like a string of groundhog days. Each doctor visit ending in, “You’re almost there. See you at the hospital!”
And yet, it’s still not time.
This last weekend felt like a big old April Fool’s joke. We had eight family members up to visit – four grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, and a pair of cousins. All eager to meet their newest family member. They came and went, without the debut of our new babe. In the spirit of this-is-out-of-our-control we chocked it up to, “This is going to make a great story one day.”
Here I am in front of the Baby Watch 2017 Parking Lot… it’s one car short of full.
As the host of this baby, I’ve internalized his tardiness as my fault. Which is total bullshit, I know. I literally have zero to say about when he arrives, however I’ve still struggled to not apologize as if it’s because of my own shortcoming. (Aside: welcome to the mind of a parent, right?)
This is my 3rd rodeo. I’ve been in labor twice before and yet this time around I am confused. For weeks, I have felt like my vagina is literally going to fall out of my vagina. (Don’t you dare tell me that’s not a real thing.) In the past, this sensation has indicated to me that it’s time to deliver a baby. But no, not this time around. This time is different. It’s the first time my due date has come and gone. The first time I’ve had false labor. The first time I’ve walked for hours in the middle of the night around my neighborhood waiting for the contractions progress, while playing with my own nipples. The first time I’ve been sent home from the hospital.
And now, I just don’t know what to expect next. My “any day now….” mantra is stale as shit.
I’ve tried acupuncture, spicy food, walking, deadlifting, BurnCycling, heavy house cleaning, massage, membrane stripping, nesting, sexing, positive thinking, critical thinking, not thinking. Pineapple – that is one thing I have not tried. I guess it’s worth a shot, although I’m feeling rather skeptical at this point.
So, that’s where I am at. In overtime – wondering when the game will end.
And for all of the frustration and impatience, I do know one thing. This game will end with me as a huge winner – holding a new life in my arms. The timeline of his arrival will suddenly be an irrelevant detail of my motherhood.
Thanks for all of the thoughts, messages and love you’ve been sending my way. It means a lot.