I am still pregnant (what the what?)

“Today! Today is a great day to have a baby!”

This is what I’ve thought nearly everyday since September 25th, the first night I had labor pains. Well, it is October 23rd and I have not yet had this baby. Honestly, I thought I would have a three week old by now. The last four weeks have seemed like a string of groundhog days. Each doctor visit ending in, “You’re almost there. See you at the hospital!”

And yet, it’s still not time.

This last weekend felt like a big old April Fool’s joke. We had eight family members up to visit – four grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, and a pair of cousins. All eager to meet their newest family member. They came and went, without the debut of our new babe. In the spirit of this-is-out-of-our-control we chocked it up to, “This is going to make a great story one day.”

Here I am in front of the Baby Watch 2017 Parking Lot… it’s one car short of full.

As the host of this baby, I’ve internalized his tardiness as my fault. Which is total bullshit, I know. I literally have zero to say about when he arrives, however I’ve still struggled to not apologize as if it’s because of my own shortcoming. (Aside: welcome to the mind of a parent, right?)

This is my 3rd rodeo. I’ve been in labor twice before and yet this time around I am confused. For weeks, I have felt like my vagina is literally going to fall out of my vagina. (Don’t you dare tell me that’s not a real thing.) In the past, this sensation has indicated to me that it’s time to deliver a baby. But no, not this time around. This time is different. It’s the first time my due date has come and gone. The first time I’ve had false labor. The first time I’ve walked for hours in the middle of the night around my neighborhood waiting for the contractions progress, while playing with my own nipples. The first time I’ve been sent home from the hospital.

And now, I just don’t know what to expect next. My “any day now….” mantra is stale as shit.

I’ve tried acupuncture, spicy food, walking, deadlifting, BurnCycling, heavy house cleaning, massage, membrane stripping, nesting, sexing, positive thinking, critical thinking, not thinking. Pineapple – that is one thing I have not tried. I guess it’s worth a shot, although I’m feeling rather skeptical at this point.

So, that’s where I am at. In overtime – wondering when the game will end.

And for all of the frustration and impatience, I do know one thing. This game will end with me as a huge winner – holding a new life in my arms. The timeline of his arrival will suddenly be an irrelevant detail of my motherhood.

Thanks for all of the thoughts, messages and love you’ve been sending my way. It means a lot.

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  • Reply
    10/23/2017 at 1:55 pm

    I think we were a couple days a part for our due dates, but this is my first baby. I finally got induced last Wednesday at 41 weeks and one day. Keep it up! Also super impressed you kept BurnCycle’ing. I HAD to stop in August!

    • Reply
      10/23/2017 at 1:57 pm

      Congratulations!! I am so excited for you. Welcome to Motherhood, my favorite hood of all. How are you doing?

  • Reply
    10/23/2017 at 2:21 pm

    You’ve got this! I can’t imagine all the things you’re feeling, though you describe it SO well. But holding on to the big payoff coming your way has got to be so helpful.

    • Reply
      10/23/2017 at 2:33 pm

      Thanks Liz. Yeah, at this point it’s a mental game and I’ve got to focus on the sweet little prize. xo

  • Reply
    10/23/2017 at 4:27 pm

    For what it’s worth (which might very well be nothing but frustrate you, bc it doesn’t do anything), try pineapple. I ate a whole one within a couple hours, did a few of those other things you tried, and Maeve arrived shortly.

    • Reply
      10/23/2017 at 4:29 pm

      Mmmkay. I’m going to. I’ve got a bunch of frozen pineapple and think it’s delish anyways. Thanks sister.

  • Reply
    10/25/2017 at 2:10 pm

    This whole post just made me laugh so hard–it’s so well written! But also–so so frustrating! I’m convinced swinging at the park (literally, on the swings) put me into labor with Owen. That and spicy pizza. Or, more likely, random circumstances out of my control. Congrats, friend! So happy for your growing family.

    • Reply
      10/25/2017 at 4:21 pm

      Thanks L! Man, this kid is just doing his thing and doesn’t seem to be in a rush.

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